Wedding season has arrived and a while back we recommended 20 songs for a tasteful reception, but seriously who cares about taste? The funny thing about weddings is how much time people spend on creating the perfect day, when weddings seldom run smoothly. In fact, a good Big Day is one full of flaws, fu*k ups, drunk guests and bitching between bridesmaids. And honestly, who needs a perfect day, when the real perfection lies in the love you hold for your significant other.
But, if you’re the kind who really gives a shi* about making everything right because you’ve mortgaged your house for a flamboyant wedding planner, here are a few songs we’d advise you to stay away from. At first glance, these songs seem to ooze romance and dedication but the message behind them is a whole lot darker and more sinister. You wouldn’t get married with Tolkien’s precious ring, so why would you open your first dance to a song about stalkers and sociopaths?
Here’s how to avoid bad karma on your first dance:
1- The Police – “Every Breath You Take”
“Every move you make. Every vow you break
Every smile you fake. Every claim you stake
I’ll be watching you.”
It’s all very well tenderly watching your significant other while they brush their teeth like a five year old trying to put on lipstick, but watching them sleep muttering to yourself? Thanks… but no thanks. Ever heard of the film Misery? That’s what this song is.
listen to the song on Deezer
2- Beach Boys – “God Only Knows”
“God only knows what I’d be without you
If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me”
This is emotional abuse at its worse. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m pretty sure that happy marriages do not thrive on emotional blackmail.
Listen to the song on Deezer
3- Billy Idol – “White Wedding”
“Hey little sister who’s the one you want?
Hey little sister shot gun!”
Nothing says creeeeeepy like an incestuous wedding.
Listen to the song on Deezer
4- Whitney Huston – “I Will Always Love You”
“So good-bye
Please don’t cry
We both know I’m not what you need.”
It’s one of the 20th century’s greatest love songs… except that it isn’t. It’s about parting ways due to incompatibility. You’ve just made vows until death do you part, don’t follow it up with a song about a divorce settlement.
Listen to the song on Deezer
5- U2 – “With or Without You”
“Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait, without you”
It’s a song about how love mentally breaks and tortures us and it can put you off love for life (except that it won’t because us mortals were programmed to love the idea of love).
Listen to the song on Deezer
6- John Denver – “Leaving On A Jet Plane”
“There’s so many times I’ve let you down
So many times I’ve played around
I tell you know, they don’t mean a thing”
There’s nothing more hopeful for a bright future than a song about your loved one leaving for a business trip and getting up to some hanky panky with their intern at the airport hotel. Trust issues are the number one cause of breakups, just saying.
Listen to the song on Deezer
7- percy Sledge – “When A Man Loves A Woman”
“When a man loves a woman
Can’t keep his mind on nothing else
He’ll trade the world
For the good thing he’s found
If she’s bad he can’t see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend”
Sacrificing a few things in a relationship is called compromise, sacrificing your identity, life goals and well-being for a bully is a one way ticket to depression.
Listen to the song on Deezer
8 – Babybird – You’re Gorgeous
“You got me to hitch my knees up
And pulled my legs apart
You took an instamatic camera and
And pulled my sleeves around my heart”
Nope, nope nope and nope. This is not a fond memory about the first, blissful time Babybird had sex with his soulmate. It’s a song about seedy photographers asking young and vulnerable women to pose for erotic pictures. He sings from the perspective of a young woman who’s being taken advantage of. It’s sad and gross.
Listen to the song on Deezer
If we’ve obliterated your plans for your first dance, we apologize but hey! Here are a couple of good last-minute swapouts:
1- Whitney Houston – “Your Love Is My Love”
“As the years they pass us by (the years, the years, the years, the years, the years)
We stay young through each other’s eyes (each other’s eyes)”
It’s all about the strength of love, and believing that it will last eternally (even if it won’t).
Listen to the song on Deezer
2- Etta James – “At Last”
“You smiled, you smiled
Oh and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
for you are mine…”
If seeing your soulmate happy and smiling puts you in heaven, then you’re on the right path. Generosity and putting your loved one’s happiness at the forefront of your relationship is a sign of a healthy marriage to come.
Listen to the song on Deezer
3- Miley Cyrus – “Malibu”
“We watched the sun go down as we were walking
I’d spent the rest of my life standing here talking”
Miley Cyrus dropped this track less than a month ago, announcing that she and Liam Hemsworth were re-engaged. After 3 years apart, the lovers rekindled their love and Cyrus moved to Malibu. Sometimes it’s just meant to be, even if there are doubts and life tests the strength of your relationship.
Listen to the song on Deezer
