The other day, I was sat quietly at lunch listening to my friends blabber on about ‘The Walking Dead’ and how “they would have killed this or that zombie differently”. I began to navigate through my sea of thoughts. I’ve never been a fan of zombies, ghosts or horror films in general for that matter. My Halloween movies are limited to Casper (my pre-teen childhood crush at the time), Hocus Pocus and if I’m daring enough E.T (errrr E.T dying in a river is very traumatic guys).
I then got to thinking about the whole survivalism, zombie invasion and pandemic business. Dark thoughts began pouring in. Would I have what it takes to survive a biological warfare or would I be well equipped or smart enough to survive a zombie attack? I headed straight to the reassuring world of Internet and took a zombie nerd test and realized that my chances of surviving in a zombie-infested territory were slim, around 5 minutes if I was lucky. Let’s face it, not a good score,
So how do we stave off the endless hoards of the undead? How do we protect our family and friends from the outbreak? Which weapon is the most effective for splattering a zombie’s brain? Humanity would suddenly go into survival of the fittest mode, how do I make sure I’m one of the fittest? I hardly know how to put on a Band-Aid let alone amputate a zombie-infected leg.
So friends, let’s learn how to stay alive in style and in music.
Here is the ideal zombie playlist to get pumped up for the zombie apocalypse: http://www.deezer.com/playlist/1423732785
1. DON’T get beaten!
… obviously. If you do, you have two choices, either you amputate the infected zone, or you embrace the zombie way of life in other words eternal hunger and rotting skin.
2. Stock up
Stock up on canned goods or dehydrated foods, weapons warm clothing and fuel. Try and head out to an island or stay on a boat, zombies can’t swim so they won’t come and get you.
You can grab supplies in a military surplus, abandoned homes or outdoor stores. Be careful not to set up camp there however; people tend to gravitate to places where there is a strong supply of food, but where there are many people there are zombies looking for their next victim.
3. Run for the hills… literally
Zombies don’t like stairs or climbing in general and they are quite predictable in their movements. Gain altitude and find yourself a remote place where you can build a fortress with your co-survivors. If your water supply runs out collect rainwater, or raid the toilet tank.
4. Get into great shape and wear adequate clothes
Ditch those evening beers and Doritos. You’re going to spend your days running away from molding flesh trying to eat your intestines. You’ve got to get that body prepared for running and killing. As for combat wear, dress yourself in tight fitting clothes that won’t be grabbed by zombies or bad guys, and for the love of God don’t wear heels or flip-flops.
5. Stick together
Create a tight social unit; unlike the movies, you’re not going to be protected by juice heads or dark and handsome mechanics. Nope you’ve got grandma, aunty Bettie, Bert your neighbor and other panicked relatives clinging to you for help. So try to support each other and create a clan with your neighbors. However never trust a stranger, it’s a jungle out there and you never know what their intentions might be (stealing your supplies for example).
6. Don’t always use firearms
Zombies are repulsive; so between a knife and a machine gun firing from 20 ft. away, you’ve definitely chosen the second option. However zombies are attracted to noise and your gun ammunition will eventually run out. Sometimes there is nothing quite like a good shovel or bat to the face to get rid of the undead.
7. Or go out in style
Zombies are like cockroaches, kill one and a thousand will turn up and they will never stop hunting you down. So why not save time and attempt to destroy these vile beasts even if it means being left on the battle field. Rev up the hummer, rally your homies and cock your guns. Bring it on.